Big Asks....Big God.

 Yesterday’s sermon was about prayer.  One of the points that Bryan made was that the point in prayer isn’t what we *get* - it’s that we get to commune with The One who has the ability to give. 

That got me thinking....If the *only* thing I got from prayer was the opportunity to be in the presence of God, would it be *enough*?  

To be honest, my gut reaction to my question was “no.”  It’s sometimes hard to wrap my head around the concept that an invisible God can manifest in ways that aren’t in my little box.

But then I thought back to the summer of 2017.  My marriage had just fallen apart - more like blasted apart.  Though my heart was in a million pieces, I wanted so badly for God to fix my marriage.  SO badly.  I would pray, “It’s going to take a miracle.  But I know YOU CAN do it, Father. It’s going to HAVE to be You - nothing I’ve tried works.   Now, please go out and do your thing, God!  Make it happen, PLEASE!!”  It was the second biggest ask I had ever made of God, and I *felt* Him.  He was there, breathing oxygen into my cried-out lungs, picking me up off the floor, giving me just enough energy to get myself tucked into bed each night so I could get up and do it again the next day.

God did not fix my marriage.  

I did not get what I asked for - begged for.  

So was *just* the ability to be in His presence during those countless hours of prayer worth it, considering I didn’t get the thing that I wanted?  Was that prayer a good investment, considering I didn’t get the payoff I wanted??

Yes.  

In making that ask, I acknowledged the incredible power of God - saving my marriage would have required the elimination of addictions and hurts that Satan had paraded into our home like Macy’s floats.  

And God honors when when acknowledge His power, by showing it to us - sometimes in ways we never envisioned, and always on His timeline.  

In the 4 years since God told me “no,” He has shown me that I was asking too *small*!!  He has provided me authentic intimate relationships with friends that surpass any feelings of love that I may have momentarily received in my marriage.  He has answered prayers 10+ years in the making within my little family, and within my family of origin.  He has provided financially and temporally - I have the means and the time to do things that bring me more joy than I ever imagined.  He has shown me more opportunities to grow, through my failures, than I ever learned by my successes - and He has given me the ability to laugh at myself, for how much importance I put on trivial things that no one will care about 5 years from now.  He has worked in my kids in ways that I don’t always see right away, but sneak up on me when I least expect it, rocking me back on my heels.  He has given me the courage to stand up in front of strangers and admit my stupid decisions and actions, no longer concerned with the appearance of having all my crap together. 

When I made that huge ask in 2017, I was inadvertently asking....to....SETTLE.  God, in His infinite love for me, must’ve smirked and thought, “Now that you finally acknowledge I have *that much power*, just wait and see how I am going to use it.  You’re not thinking BIG enough, child.”

I didn’t get that marriage back.  Heck, I may never get to have the marriage I’ve spent quite a lot of time preparing for.  But you know what else I didn’t get to be?  A British princess and an astronaut - 2 things I was convinced I’d get to be (at the same time, no less).  Instead, I get to help people fix problems and learn to work better together.  I get to help clients resolve conflict in ways that don’t scorch the earth.  I get to mentor young women bursting into a profession that still doesn’t quite “fit” our gender all the time.  And at the end of every day, I may not get to come home to a husband - but I do get to come home to 2 dogs who *always* think I’m the prettiest thing they’ve ever seen (and they help with the dishes), and to 2 kids who like to go bookstore shopping (Connor) and watch superhero shows (Colin) with me. 

We don’t always get what we ask for.  And that’s ok.  It’s in the asking that we acknowledge the ability of the Giver to give - or not to give - what is actually in our best interest.  And that, friends, is the difference between “religion” and “relationship.”