The End Is Only the Beginning

In comparison to my first divorce, my second divorce was very, very ugly. His mother even sued me, which dragged out the process even longer. Talk about chaos! Financially, I thought it would ruin me. My heart was in a million tiny pieces. I would frequently find myself on the floor, ugly crying, and begging God to “just show up!” In my head, I knew He was there, but to be honest, I was so consumed with grief that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel Him. I did not understand why God would have laid on my heart, 3 months into our courtship, to marry a man who so clearly did not want to be married to me.
I could not wrap my head around it, but I remembered what my mom promised, and I began praying that God would redeem me and restore me. That’s when the Bible stories I’d read as a kid came in handy. That’s when I’d flip through my index card stack of my favorite verses, and read about 20 different daily readers each day. I had to remind myself that feelings are not facts - the fact was that God was faithful then, and He is faithful now. Through the whole mess, God was at least a step ahead of me, and I continued to see His hand in the process.
I started my own company, and it did really well, as I looked for a full-time position, so I could move my kids and I in to a new home. The day my severance ran out, I got a job offer. My former GA leaders from the church where I grew up - part of that crew that I thought had abandoned my family - had reconnected with my mother (who was going through her own second divorce - from an alcoholic) and had watched my journey on Facebook, and started “anonymously” sending me money to help pay my bills. Despite my fear that my church would abandon me like my childhood church had done when my parents divorced, Connect Church surrounded me with love and support like I’ve never felt. My first ex-husband saw the hurt that I was in, confessed his role in the demise of our marriage, along with his own addictions, and got in to recovery himself. Our relationship is better now than it has ever been - as he’s said, for the first time, there’s genuine respect. We both give God the glory for that miracle!
I even got a huge “want” met during this time - ever since I started piano lessons as a young girl, I’d wanted a baby grand piano, but had never been able to afford one. One night, when I came up to my church to play by myself on the piano, I posted on Facebook, “That’s it. I need a baby grand.” I was joking, but a former client who is also a pastor in Belleville messaged me - his church had bought a new building and needed to get rid of an extra baby grand piano. He said it was mine if I wanted it - I just had to pay to move it. My gratitude for that timely gift is why I came out of my 25 year stage fright to play in the worship band for my CR group. Yes, God was plugging up my holes, and he was using His people to do it.
My boys and I moved yet again - right down the street from where we started. Seemingly overnight, I started to see a change in them. Once they were out of the chaos, they started to want to spend time out of their rooms, with each other and with me again. We all laughed more and really worked on cultivating a peaceful household. I knew that I had - and still have - repair work to do with my kids, who saw me sacrifice and ignore their feelings, because I was too busy making an idol out of my relationship with my second husband.
I developed close friendships with Christian women, and they made sure their husbands had my back around the house when I needed a hand. I got more involved in my church, and was tickled pink when I learned we were going to start up a Celebrate Recovery. I was immediately convicted - THIS was why it all happened. Not just for my recovery, but so that I could help others. I had spent over a year asking God, “Why would You let me know I was living with an addict, if not for bringing him to sobriety because of my revelations?” But it wasn’t for his recovery - it was for my own. And for others who want it. I still pray that he finds sobriety. Romans 11:11 says, “Did they stumble so as to fall beyond recovery? Not at all!” Recovery is there for him, and although I may not ever see it, I have peace in knowing that I may have been a brick on the pathway for him. And that peace is enough for me to have closure.
I fought very hard for my marriage and I have peace knowing that I did all I could. But you can only control what you can control - which is very little. The rest is - thankfully - out of your hands. Like Shadrack, Meshach and Abednego, in Daniel 3:17 and 18 - “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Even when God doesn’t change your circumstances, He uses them. Romans 8:28 has become my life verse - “God works ALL things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” ALL things. Addiction/sobriety, abuse/protection, infertility/children, divorce/marriage. All of it.
God does answer every prayer - with a “yes,” a “wait” or a “but I have something better for you.” For me, God didn’t restore my marriage like I asked Him to...but that was not His “no.” It was His “I have something better for you.” And He has and continues to have something better for me. Like my mother promised, God has been restoring me - to something better than I was before. You see, I am very stubborn - like those Israelites who took a 40 year detour, so did I. In my journey - even in the darkest parts of it - one verse kept repeating in my head. Joel 2:25 promises, “I will restore to you the years the locust has eaten.” God has the power not just to restore emotions, but time itself. The 7 years I spent with my second husband were not wasted - they were necessary to expose character defects that I had employed since childhood - perfectionism, judgmentalism, enabling, bossiness, impatience…..and insecurity. All of these, of course, boil down to control – more specifically, letting go of it. This is what I battle with daily.
I battle with controlling my kids – who although are a challenge, have actually settled in to a place where they bring me joy, even when they don’t bring me fun. I battle with controlling my career and striving not to be defined by it. I battle with controlling my relationships with my parents – who I now see, looking back, were flawed, but not in the ways I thought. I battle with controlling my singleness - while there are aspects I enjoy, I am often frustrated with the fact that I am not part of team the way I had prayed I would be. This is my biggest struggle currently. Church on Sunday mornings is often difficult for me - to watch the couples doing marriage right and worshiping together - I’m envious. But I know that God wouldn’t lay on my heart to be a Godly wife if He didn’t intend to send me a Godly husband….in His time. I still see my divorces as my scarlet letter - but it’s me who keeps insisting on sewing it back on, even though God has consistently ripped it off.
Finally, I battle with the illusion that I can control God Himself. I argue with Him about His timing, His sense of justice that doesn’t always match my own, the truly challenging people He places in my path, and His refusal to dispense answers on command.
But then the Still, Small Squatter reminds me…..”I made you. I know parts of you that you don’t even know yet. I know strengths you haven’t even realized you had. I know about the weaknesses you try to hide. I know it ALL – beginning, middle and end. So chill out. Let me pilot this ship that I made. Just stay here close to me. We’ll work together. I’ll fill in your gaps and show you things beyond your comprehension – including my peace. I will work out all things - even the things you don’t understand and that have made you ugly cry on the bathroom floor - for your good, because I have called you according to MY purpose - not your own.”
x


So yes, I’ve been the preachy Christian evangelist that shoves John 3:16 down your throat. I’ve been the defiant child who knowingly sins just because she knows it’ll be forgiven. I’ve been the broken creature who had to realize her Plan A just wasn’t working, without having a Plan B. And I am the thankful of recipient of a grace that covers over all of it.