Enter....Vin Diesel

For several months after my divorce, I led a life I’m not particularly proud of - doing the things I didn’t do when I was younger, drunk on my first real experience of independence. I made impulsive sexual decisions that included having a brief affair with a married man - the sin that, for years, I was most afraid to confess.


I realized, in what was the first real life lesson I had in my recovery from my marriage and divorce, that I had made the proud mistake of trying to be perfect - perfect timing, perfect grades, perfect job, perfect....just perfect. And the greatest regret I had was that I never took the time to just be still. I had been in too big a hurry to really just enjoy time...and quiet. Like the oozers, I had kept my head down and stuck to the Plan.


Several months later, when I was totally not even looking for it, and probably not even really ready for it, I met a man who lived up the street and who I’d seen for several summers at our subdivision pool. He swept me off my feet, with his bad-boy muscles and tattoos and motorcycles….and his profession of faith. First I had had Val Kilmer - now I would have Vin Diesel. But Vin Diesel For Jesus!!


We dated for 5 years, with him breaking up with me from time to time. He would tell me how I wasn't ready to be with him yet....I still had so much growing to do....I didn't know how to be a single parent yet, yada yada yada. In short, he would find a defect in me and dump me long enough for me to "fix" the defect and beg him for another chance.


While we dated, in efforts to transform myself into what my boyfriend said he wanted, I spent a ton of time studying the Bible and marriage books to determine what it would look like to truly be a good wife. I did figure it out. I learned and accepted what my real role needed to look like, as a wife.


Unfortunately, in the process, I also ignored some obvious red flags with that man. For starters, I saw prescription pain pill bottles from time to time, from the same doctor who over-prescribed pills to my first husband. When I confronted my boyfriend about it, he became very defensive and combative, telling me that if I ever accused him of being a drug addict again, he would break up with me.


Talk about a red flag.


But I dutifully obeyed, and never brought it up again while we were dating. In my mind, I explained away the small things I would notice. After all, I had warned him that 3 things I wouldn’t tolerate were pills, porn, and name-calling. I was devoted to him. Three months in, I was convicted I was supposed to marry him. This was, of course, why I would beg him to reunite with me when he'd unceremoniously break up - I knew it was God's will that we would get married. He, on the other hand, was less convinced.


After 5 years of begging him to marry me and trying to get him on board with God’s plan for us and our kids (honestly, it was a total of 4 years, with all the breakup time off), he finally proposed, and we were married in October 2015. We took vows, along with our 5 children. Mine included that I would not make an idol of our marriage, and that I would be open to trying new things. His included that he would always buy me pink and purple Nerds and separate them out for me (I’m OCD about candy). It was a beautiful wedding and we looked like the perfect Brady Bunch.


I think my attraction blinded me to a lot. He was very attractive, all muscle-y, tatted up and shaved head. I would joke with him that “you keep up the pretty, and I’ll keep up the smart.” He would tease me, “God gave me you to keep me in line, but He gave you me to keep you from having a heart attack before you hit 40.” He was the ying to my yang. Outside observers who only knew us socially thought we were the perfect couple. We attended church together, attended small group together, teased and played.


It was everything my first marriage wasn’t - except where it really mattered….except for those 3 things I told him I wouldn’t tolerate.